Again, this is so common that it might be considered to be a normal part of sexual life. It is only when it becomes completely irrational that a therapeutic intervention is indicated. The problem arises with deciding on what is irrational and what is not. Here are two examples:
1. An individual might observe that their partner has started getting home from work later, has locked their mobile ‘phone so that it cannot be accessed without a PIN, and often wears something that is completely different from their ‘norm’. Anxiety begins and a lot of questions start to be asked…
That is a totally rational jealousy, since there is a new behaviour pattern within which there are novel details that their partner is unwilling or unable to explain.
2. On the other hand, an individual might believe completely without foundation that their partner has a secret lover. No matter that there is nothing to suggest that this is the case – the jealous individual begins to check up on their partner’s behaviour, looking for ‘evidence’; the longer that they go without finding such proof of infidelity, the more angry they might become, and the more they intensify their search believing that they are being made a fool of by their partner and the non-existent lover.
They may hide somewhere in the house whilst pretending to go to work so that they can see who pays a visit; they might ostensibly go out but creep around the outside of the house peering through the windows; they might leave secret tape recorders running or perhaps install hidden cameras. They might even claim that they have been told that their partner was seen with somebody else or even employ a private detective to observe their partner. Whatever they do, they remain unconvinced of their partner’s fidelity.
That behaviour is, of course, irrational but the individual will attempt to rationalise it by stating that they can feel that “something’s going on.” There has usually been some small, completely innocent, trigger that has initiated the belief to begin with but that is often completely forgotten.
Rational or irrational, jealousy carries a powerfully obsessive quality and once it has been triggered it can be all but impossible for the individual to let go of the erroneous belief of infidelity without help.
The Answer
For Rational Jealousy: If this is your situation, there is a great need for calm discussion with your partner within which you explain your fears and why you have them. A refusal to discuss anything is a powerful indicator that all may not be well, and you then have to decide whether to ‘wait it out’ or finish the relationship. It’s an unenviable choice but one which needs to be made – there are not many alternatives. Often, things start to feel a lot better when you take charge of the situation.
For Irrational Jealousy: The most powerful self-help process to cope with this situation is to recognise the great truth; all you are doing when you experience this is stating that you are not worthy of your partner, that almost everybody else is likely to be more attractive and more desirable than you are. This might be an uncomfortable thought, even an angering one, but why else would you believe that he or she would so easily stray? And why would you want to be sharing your life with somebody who so easily wants to be with somebody else, unless it’s because you know you are not worth any better? These thoughts can be deep in the subconscious but it’s likely that they are there.
The saddest – and most evident – result of this sort of jealousy is that you will inevitably create the very situation that you are frantically seeking to avoid… your partner will leave you. There is no doubt about this. If they are ‘going behind your back’ then it’s only a matter of time before they leave; if they are not, then it’s only a matter of time before they can no longer tolerate being accused of doing so.
It might be unpalatable to think that the problem is within you rather than the other person but this is almost always the case… which is exactly why it will seem to follow you from relationship to relationship. It pays to look inside self and seek help if you are not able to help yourself.
See also a separate article on: Masturbation Jealousy
